he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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