Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize