You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
