Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
