so that wasnt chicken after all
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
