A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
