My pussy is not your playground.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
