you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
