i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just want to make out with him forever
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