I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
