I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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