Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize