Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
