Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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