mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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