two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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