I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
