giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
