Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
