Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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