I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
