I was born with a shot glass in my hand
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
