No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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