you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
