I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize