Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
