Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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