I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
