I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
