I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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