sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Even my vagina gasped.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
