i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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