I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
