somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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