Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
