I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
