I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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