They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
