I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
