I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
