life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
