i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
