it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
