I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
