doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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