true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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