We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
