She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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