I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
