Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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