You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
