Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
