I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
