I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
