I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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