hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
