i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
