I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
