You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
