just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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