y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
