I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
