you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
